Bitter and Confused

Sebastian if you’re reading this I just want to let you know that I do think you’re a...

Sat, 25 May 2013 10:18:45 -0700

Sebastian if you’re reading this I just want to let you know that I do think you’re a good person and I think more and more about the amazing characteristics you have the longer we’ve been apart and I know I focused on the negative things a lot before but now all the positive stuff is starting to come back to me and I really wanted to message you this today but I knew you would probably get upset by it and wouldn’t want that but I still wanted to tell you.

Good luck with your music today, I am really really proud of you for taking on something so scary like this. I would never have the guts to do it
Ask someone to maybe record it or video tape it or I don’t know because I really want to see how well you do and I know you’re going to be amazing and don’t let your nerves get to the best of you because I think you’re really talented and the crowd is going to love you and idk

I wish I could be there to support you but that’s alright I will support from a distance and I hope you have a good day with Kara I know you two are going to have fun.

Basically I just want to say I love you and I miss you and we will work on more things on Sunday and keep being strong for me because I’m trying to be strong too.

That’s all

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Sat, 25 May 2013 10:09:39 -0700

"It’s okay to say “no” if you change your mind. We allow you to change majors and change direction..."

Sat, 25 May 2013 10:06:53 -0700

“

It’s okay to say “no” if you change your mind. We allow you to change majors and change direction and change clothes, with no repercussions other than possibly wasted time. If his touch is too forceful and his breath too hot and his weight too much, you are not bound to your previous decision. If your mimd is screaming and your nerves are sizzling, they are as valid then and now as they were five minutes ago, when you were saying yes.

It’s okay to say “no” if you were flirting. Batted eyelashes and sly smirks and witty words do not form a map to your uncharted territory. Your playfulness does not relieve them of their self control. Your allure does not diminish their responsibility to be respectful. The only path you led them on is that of the unknown, of which the rules of the road still apply.

It’s okay to say “no” if you’re unsure.

It’s okay to say “no” if you’re embarrassed.

It’s okay to say “no” when they tell you it isn’t okay to say “no.”

”

- When It’s Ok To Say “No” (via godspeedtoyou)

hughsdancys: Oscar-Winning Django Unchained, by Quentin...

Sat, 25 May 2013 10:05:05 -0700

hughsdancys:

Oscar-Winning Django Unchained, by Quentin Tarantino.

Sat, 25 May 2013 10:02:44 -0700

Tracey Emin, She Kept Crying, 2012

Sat, 25 May 2013 01:26:13 -0700

Tracey Emin, She Kept Crying, 2012

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Friday May 24Daoy 08: I’m feeling very bad about today. I woke up not feeling so great and...

Sat, 25 May 2013 01:12:00 -0700

Friday May 24
Daoy 08:

I’m feeling very bad about today.
I woke up not feeling so great and that is really important because if I don’t have motivation in the morning then I don’t have momentum to get through the day.

I don’t even remember the first half of my day it was just a blur of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself.
I watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch and I took a shower and I made plans to hang out with friends.
Then I started to get the package ready to send to Sebastian.
It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. It actually felt good to get that done with because everything has just been sitting in a big pile in my room for a while.

So then Emmy picked me up and we went to In-N-Out and god I had that yesterday and I just wasn’t looking forward to eating it but whatever.
We met Rafi there and Kurt was going to come later and we invited Ena but she couldn’t go.
It was actually a lot of fun and I like when we can all hang out together and I’m excited for tomorrow because I know that’s going to be a lot of fun too. So we all decided to go to the movies anyways because that was sort of our plan with Ena but she couldn’t go so we went to see something else and I guess randomly chose The Hangover even though Rafi saw it last night, and I was excited because it was just going to be me, Emmy, Kurt, and Rafi and i kept thinking “awww cuuutee” because Rafi said he would buy my movie ticket again and Emmy and Kurt gave me a hard time about it when he wasn’t there and Emmy kept saying “alright I’m going to tell him ‘Let’s play a game!’ and basically the game is going to be we are pretending we’re on a double date so Rafi has to hold your hand and put his arm around you” and it was funny how they were teasing me at first but then they started to get serious about it and I instantly got so pissed off because in theory I think that stuff is funny but I hate when people actually do things like that and people have done stuff to Rafi and I before to put us in those kinds of awkward positions and I don’t want our friendship to be ruined and no it wasn’t funny after that.
So I got them to shut up about it which was good.

Rafi ended up inviting Evan which wasn’t a big deal but I came very very close to relapsing tonight because I guess Evan and Rafi were going to smoke before the movie and I didn’t want to let myself but it was so tempting and I just kept thinking “I can make an exception, just this one time…” but Rafi knew my situation and so did Emmy and he was like “No I’m not going to let you” and ahh life saver.

So the movie was fun to watch. I was kind of mad that Evan ended up sitting next to me but he is pretty funny and I haven’t seen him in a long time but I just wanted to talk to Rafi oh well :(((((
I was thinking about all the people in the theaters who are OBSESSED with the hangover movies and how they think it’s the funniest thing to ever be created and the greatest thing to happen in their life and god it was really depressing

But yeah the movie was over and I started to get really sad because I was thinking about how Sebastian and Sydney and Justin and Michael all went to see of Montreal and it just upsets me so much because I have wanted to see them live since I was 13 and they are probably my favorite band and it must have been such a fun experience and it’s like god it’s not that I want bad things to happen to Sebastian or that I don’t want good things to happen but like why can’t I have good things as well?
I’m losing almost everything I possibly can and he is gaining it all so so much like he is getting everything he wants practically and I have to watch this all happen while I have to let go of some of the most important people in my life and I have to deal with all my family shit and my parents are probably selling the only home I’ve ever lived in an now all of this sexual abuse stuff is resurfacing and jesus christ I can’t take anymore I just need a break I need a big good thing I can’t keep trying to make something out of all the shit I’m being dealt.

I don’t know what to do.

If I didn’t have Emmy I would be falling apart.
If I didn’t have Kali I would be falling apart.
I’m not falling apart right now I am just struggling a lot and I can’t keep up with myself.

I have a lot of thoughts and I kind of want to sit here and write for the next hour or so before I fall asleep but I’m forgetting all the things I wanted to say.

One thing that I have realized so far is what it really meant to be in a relationship with Sebastian, and what it really meant to be his best friend. For the longest time it was always something that just happened, we were so used to being in each other’s lives we never took a step back to realize the person we had in our lives.
Now I know how significant he was, I always felt the emotional bond we had but for so many years he was just a voice on a phone, it was very difficult to remember that yes he is actually a human and I know it sounds retarded but I think when people have been in that same position they understand.
I think about all the time we talked on the phone and how we connected so easily and how we both really loved each other and how we would fall asleep on the phone together every night.
Or during our trips when everything was so natural between us and how my brother commented that we move together in this weird subconscious sync and that he can tell we really love each other and we are really in tune with each other or how I would get these busts of excitement to see him even if I had only been gone for 2 or 3 minutes and I would run up to him all happy and couldn’t wait for us to have fun or how I had this man in my life who I could really trust and be so comfortable with and I don’t know just all these things about what it really means to be in a relationship with someone.
I remember Dr. Reed told me that after every relationship ends you learn a lot about how to treat people and how to do it next time and I never understood that until now. I never doubted her but after reflecting on so many things with him I just see all these ways where I could of acted differently or had these different mentalities or appreciated having him in my life more and I dunno.
I hope he is realizing the same things too.
From the few brief conversations I have had with him it seems like he is.

I think my dad forces my mom to have sex with him sometimes. And not in like a physical aggressive way, just that he makes it out to be an obligation or a duty or she’s supposed to and I guess emotional manipulation kind of way.
It’s really fucked up. My dad is really fucked up and an awful person sometimes.
But I also feel very lucky that I have never in my entire life had a moment like that with Sebastian. With all the crazy shit that happened to me it’s pretty much impossible for me to feel comfortable with ANYONE for things like that. I completely deny my sexualty in public, I have had people tell me that I come across as no gender at all and it really upset me but honestly I could see why.
Which is also why when I was ‘raped’ (I guess technically ((see I don’t even want to admit it to myself))) that’s a huge reason why I just did not want to do anything with that guy and ugh this sounds like an obvious no brainer but I this is the first time I have ever sat down and tried to figure this shit out.
I am not comfortable
With anyone
In this entire world
Not even myself around others
When it comes to sex or sexual things or exerting sexuality or things like that
Except for Sebastian. He has been the only person in my entire life that I have been completely comfortable with.
And I think a lot of that was because he allowed me to be so comfortable. He never made me feel pressured or obligated or forced. It was always my comfort over his desires and I have never really experienced that with a guy or witness that in a relationship or anything.
And I don’t think he really understands the stuff that I went through as a kid, he is just like that. That’s just his personality. And I think that’s a really amazing characteristic to have.
I can only remember one instance where I couldn’t handle being like that with him, I completely broke down in the middle of everything and I felt so raw and vulnerable and bare and he just made me feel safe. He put everything aside to make sure I was okay and I was so happy to be with him because of it.

I would give anything just to spend one more day with him.
I remember we were fighting about something, and we knew the relationship was going to come to an end for a long long time now, but he had said something to me along the lines of “Just see me one last time” and I really wish he had meant it :(
I was supposed to be over there right now. It was going to happen so easily. I was just going to go over there in the spring like we planned on and then all of this shit happened and we fell apart.
I just keep wondering what would have become of us if we would have held on just a little bit longer.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m exhausting myself from focusing on all of this which I guess is a good thing because now I don’t have to take anything to go to sleep.

I’m just scared for tomorrow. I’m going to find out something else that’s going to kill me and it’s just going to be another day where things go on in my life that fuck me over and I can’t do anything about it.

I’m really depressed.
My life sucks right now.
I’m just going to go cry for like half an hour and then go to sleep.

Goodnight.

samspratt: “Tobias Fünke” - Illustration by Sam Spratt Have a...

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:31:28 -0700

samspratt:

“Tobias Fünke” - Illustration by Sam Spratt

Have a happy Arrested Development binge-viewing everyone.

likeafieldmouse: Roger Ballen - Shadow Chamber (2001-4)

Fri, 24 May 2013 12:49:23 -0700

likeafieldmouse:

Roger Ballen - Shadow Chamber (2001-4)

Fri, 24 May 2013 12:47:52 -0700

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:(

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